Today is March 14th, the outside temperature currently registering at fifty-five degrees, which suggests either a cruel seduction by Mother Nature or a bankable harbinger that springtime is close. I’m imagining the verdant days of spring when birds delight us with song and the frogs, peepers and bullfrogs thrill me with their jazzy improvisations. Cold and dormant for months, the latter come to life, their outside bodies no longer frozen, and seek each other with robust serenading.
For months, perhaps a year, maybe even longer I too have felt frozen and found none of the exciting challenges, stimulation, and exhilaration of my therapy practice carrying over into my personal life.
Can a successful psychotherapist struggle and be unhappy in his life while engaged in valued work with intriguing, exciting clients? Of course, I think, just not me.
I’m desperately missing fun in my life.
Should I be writing this, making these thoughts public? I wonder.
“Write naked,” claims author Denis Johnson. “That means to write what you would never say. Write in blood. As if ink is so precious you can’t waste it. Write in exile, as if you are never going to get home again, and you have to call back every detail.”
Though trying, Denis, I’m not there—yet—not hedging, just scared.
During the month of January there were nights, sleeping alone in a guest bedroom, when the German/Yiddish phrase Bist du verklempt? trolled its way into my consciousness, awakened me—and yes, in its wake I became choked up, overcome with emotion, and unable to speak as I lay in the dark. A 3 a.m. snack and glass of milk, comfort food for my troubled soul, didn’t help. Nor did writing in my bedside journal: “Life can be difficult, and living fully isn’t an easy task, just keep on truckin’.”
When desired solitude, sought after moments of reflection, and conversations with the God in whom I believe but too often find elusive, result in soul-crushing doubt, work becomes my mistress and lifeline.
I’ve often searched the Psalms seeking encouraging words from a kindred spirit, David, a flawed man of both wavering and grounded faith. His poetic voice gives me hope when he writes: “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice” (Psalm 51:7-8).
Bruno Bettelheim writes in Freud & Man’s Soul:
“The good life, in Freud’s view, is one that is full of meaning through the lasting, sustaining, mutually gratifying relations we are able to establish with those we love, and through the satisfaction we derive from knowing that we are engaged in work that helps us and others to have a better life. A good life denies neither its real and often painful difficulties nor the dark aspects of our psyche; rather, it is a life in which our hardships are not permitted to engulf us in despair, and our dark impulses are not allowed to draw us into their chaotic and often destructive orbit.”
I am struggling to find this sweet-spot—the one in which meaningful work and gratifying relations bring about a fully lived “good life.”
When the Psalmist’s laments, often decrying God’s silence and absence, are followed by words of adoration for God and renewed hope for his human and tattered soul, I find respite, a brief patch of wellbeing, and hope for a more encompassing good life as Freud’s concept suggests.
“If I was God,” writes my good friend and still-loving first wife, “I’d say to you: ‘Lighten-up and have some fun.’”
In response to her keen and light-hearted comment, I dig through the ordered stack of black T-shirts I keep in an upper drawer in my bedroom dresser—though rarely worn I find the one I’m looking for. The colors of neon green frogs have faded, as have those of the lily pads from which they’re leaping, but the caption below them remains vibrant: “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
All day and night the frogs sing.
Time for a change of wardrobe. And some long overdue fun!
by 
Dear Roger, You have helped and guided so many of us to “a” peace”. We will be eternally grateful for your friendship and wisdom. You write brilliantly, I wish you the peace and contentment you have given us, and others.
Muriel,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m grateful for those who’ve allowed me to participate in their journeys into a more fully lived life. There were no grad school courses, internship experiences, or insights from supervisors that tipped me off to this surprise gift. My analyst did, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
Roger
Refreshing to see you return to your deepest feelings that reflect authenticity. These are the thoughts that are fodder for the soul.
Kay,
I appreciate your comments. Sometimes we need to wade in with caution before plunging in with courage!
Roger
I find that sometimes all the fun can be found only in little things. Like the invasion of butterflies that we have been experiencing in this area lately. They are coming in droves from Mexico, we are told. No wall can stop them. They are everywhere. Wishing you many “flies” and some fun!!!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Dona. No walls for butterflies, frogs, and hopefully immigrants too!
Roger
Glad you decided to make your thoughts and feelings public, to allow us to see you as you are. Hopefully that exposure will help you to see yourself living fully the good life you have chosen. May the emerging spring help you to lighten up, as your good friend suggests, with the seasonal promise of new beginnings and blessings to soothe your soul. And yes, thankfully those frisky frogs and other spring peepers will bring joyous jazz to lift your spirits just in time! Hallelujah.
Thank you, Colette, and those frogs are frisky and delightful. The band-leading peeper often takes the bass-playing bullfrog to task for improvisational bellowing that’s more about mating than music!
Roger
Singing frogs “at the end of the tunnel”. Love it.
Me too, Elaine (imagined voice of God)!
Thank you doesn’t cover it,
Roger
Reading your story was like reading poetry, the agony and the ecstasy of life.
Jo Anne,
Thank you for these kind and encouraging words–agony and ecstasy–one cannot exist without the other. When I assume that not to be true I discover the absent one just hiding biding it’s time.
Roger
Roger,
Your reflections, as Springtime nears, remind me of the harshness of New England winters. You need to emerge from your den, shake off winter’s hangover and let the sun warm your bones. It will cure many ills. Just ask the frogs.
When I was in a similar state of mind some years ago, I bought the 365 Day Bible. I’m not a devout Christian but try to follow its tenets. There are daily readings from the Old and New Testament. I read each daily excerpt, only 2 or 3 pages long, marked with that day’s date, religiously (pun not intended) for 365 straight days. As suggested by the person who recommended it, my life slowly turned upstream into a warm and welcoming sun. You might give it a go. By the bye, I should be in Middlebury in late April to visit Nick. I would love to get together. I’ll get the dates to you when confirmed.
All best,
Toby
Toby,
Thank you for reading, commenting, and the thoughtful suggestion. The image of you turning “upstream” buoys my hope! I look forward to seeing you in Middlebury. Portions of the Old Testament narrative are brutal and ‘tough sledding’ even for a flatlander-Vermonter accustomed to winter’s treachery. Following tenets has been a challenge for me in many endeavors, not the least of which involves trying to be a Christian! The 365 Day Bible has been a staple for me the two previous years, and your endorsement will encourage me to revisit that regimen on January 1, 2020.
Thank you,
Roger
I think I gave you that t shirt – from a wine shop in riverside. Glad you still have it.
Giny,
You did, from Frog’s Leap Vineyard, and I wear it with fond memories of both you and good wine! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Roger
A friend sent this:
I spent an hour with Laughter,
we chatted all the way.
But I barely remember a single thing
from what she had to say.
I spent an hour with Sorrow,
and ne’er a word she had to say.
But oh! The things I learned from her
when sorrow walked with me.
When I wrote a blog for a short period of time, I too asked myself, “Should I be writing this, making these thoughts public? I wonder.” My answer was “NO!” and I stopped. I acknowledge and salute your courage to “write naked”. The responses you have elicited, both public and likely private. attest to the virtue of your doing so. The worst thing would be to live a life unexamined, without reflection, and without true relationships where this sort of sharing occurs. How cool that the source of your t-shirt identified herself.
Ted,
Thanks for reading and commenting. Perhaps courage is involved, but I certainly don’t feel I have a choice if living fully is embraced by me, a journey and practice that assuredly incorporates the examined life, fun or lack thereof included. I respect your decision to not reveal your thoughts in a public [blog] forum.
Roger
A friend wrote:
As an observer from afar, I will be writing soon with a few thoughts and some advice for you about your latest blog. Continue truckin’ on as you’ve always done. Sometimes we just can’t avoid the pesky potholes that keep appearing along the straights and crooked ahead. Hope you will always keep an ear out for those croaking frogs and know that Spring is just down the road.
Roger, your honest sharing makes it easier for me to go where you go, to be ok with confronting my low points, doubts and despair.
Thanks, and here’s to a sunny spring! Ned
Ned,
Thank you, and thank you. When “confronting my low points, doubts and despair” I’ll be encouraged, and my hope buoyed, knowing you’re there–a kindred spirit!
Roger
Nothing ever succeeds which exuberant spirits have not helped to produce– Nietzsche
Mary,
Thank you for reading, commenting, and sending this quote–here’s to exuberant spirits, and let success come as it may!
Roger
Loved this Roger. What a funny T-shirt. Especially since I mainly get grossed out by flies. But for a frog they are chocolate and potato chips. Hoping you find more of those(funny T-shirts and chocolate, potato chips and fun) as well this Lent! Sometimes it is small finds that make our days and help us through the hard ones. Peace Kim
Thank you Kim, for reading and commenting. There are all kinds of discoveries being made this Lent, chocolate, chips, brownies and fun among them. These fall not only in the “small finds” category, but the larger finds category as well. The horizon at dusk appeared in more vibrant color the other evening as I drove home from the office, and so too did the early morning light as I drove into Middlebury at dawn the following day.
Roger
Reading your post reminded me of another reluctant follower.
Jeremiah protested his inexperience and inability to speak. He had a melancholy personality. Probably wrote Lamentations. Yet, he was able to say, “ the mercies of the Lord are new every morning.”
I think—-keep experiencing the seasons of life , as well as the seasons of the calendar. Spring is here. New life and baseball. Some things in which to be glad, and smile.
Alan,
Thanks for reading, commenting, and reminding me that there’s a great legacy of reluctant disciples! Jeremiah was not only a melancholy prophet, he was also a bullfrog—-at least according to the gospel of Three Dog Night!
Roger
A friend wrote that he’d been wrestling with this post, and acknowledging that he too had similar feelings. He mentioned that Bettleheim’s comments resonated with him, and especially at an age when happiness and contentment are part of his life including valuable work and being in a loving relationship that embraces the silly things couples do!