The sneaky, I’ll-not-be-thwarted, cold virus that infected other family members brought me to my knees on Sunday April 7th, the fifth Sunday in Lent. And, as cold viruses do, my defenses were peeled away; exhaustion, feelings of fragility sidelined my normal life; and an unwanted yet pervasive feeling of vulnerability overtook me. Being stripped of defenses, acknowledging my fragility, opening myself, and embracing vulnerability in the presence of The Great Mystery were part of my hoped-for Lenten practice—without the sniffles, hacking and exhaustion.
Fulfilling Lenten desires my way—reading, journaling, reflecting and meditating (in comfort]—took an unexpected turn with the cold’s arrival. Lent wasn’t unfolding according to plan, and yet wasn’t it? I was exhausted for forty-eight hours, rendered fragile and vulnerable (what I’d sought), just not on my terms. The Rolling Stones sang it, and for a brief Lenten period I lived it: “You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”
So, on the fifth weekend of Lent, with Kleenex at hand, and my Cubs hoodie providing warmth, I continued what began on Ash Wednesday—asking and answering Frederick Beuchner’s call to awareness:
“To hear yourself try to answer questions like [the following] is to begin to hear something not only of who you are but of both what you are becoming and what you are failing to become. It can be pretty depressing business all in all, but if sackcloth and ashes are at the start of it, something like Easter may be at the end.”
- “If you had to bet everything you have on whether there is a God or whether there isn’t, which side would get your money and why?”
- “When you look at your face in the mirror, what do you see in it that you most like and what do you see in it that you most deplore?”
- “If you had only one last message to leave to the handful of people who are most important to you, what would it be in twenty-five words or less?”
- “Of all the things you have done in your life, which is the one you would most like to undo? Which is the one that makes you happiest to remember?”
- “Is there any person in the world, or any cause, that, if circumstances call for it, you would be willing to die for?”
- “If this were the last day of your life, what would you do with it?”
Lent is a forty-day window, the one I open to find truths about who I am, “what [I am) becoming,” and the window I close, or am tempted to shut when I begin to hear something of “what (I’m) failing to become.” The former is pleasing, the latter (truths that piss me off) challenging because it roils my soul and stirs my anger, but as I listen through the clatter and mix of both, and allow them to percolate, I have hope that even though the more things change, the more they stay the same. “Easter may be at the end.”
Lenten wisdom from an unexpected source, but that’s what Lent is about for me, being open to the unexpected.
Chief Inspector Armand Gamache, the lead character in Louise Penny’s mysteries, takes his younger colleague aside in The Cruelest Month and offers this advice: “There are four statements that lead to wisdom. I want you to remember them and follow them …You need to learn to say: I don’t know. I’m sorry. I need help and I was wrong.”
The six questions and concluding statement by Frederick Buechner became a daily part of my practice which included writing responses to the questions, short unedited answers that varied from day to day. In my final Lenten post, I will answer one or more of his questions.
by 
I will look forward, as always, on what you choose.
Kerry,
Thanks for reading, and let’s see what comes of this–thanks for looking forward to whatever appears?!
Roger
Roger
Good questions and thanks for posting them. Made me think and that’s something I had given up on for today.
1. If I were the true Christian Jesus asked me to be, I suppose I would have nothing to bet. All I have is simply loaded to me from God to power his ministry on earth. On the other hand, being the carnal man that I am, I would bet 50% on the verisimilitude of God and put the other 50% in a blind trust set up jointly with my Church. Proverbs 16:33 for perspective.
2 I see the results of the prior 24 hours. Once the shock and confusions dissolves, I see me as a little boy playing in the back yard with a model airplane. When that dissolves I see the possibility of dissociative identity disorder in the form of Cain on my left shoulder and Able on my right. Then I have breakfast! By the way, I most deplore Cain on my left.
3. I am leaving now. If you believe as I do in our creator, I will see you in the twinkling of an eye. If you are not a believer then you were a mistake and failure on my part. Bye!
4. In the design and building phase of my life, I identified 5 things that if done, I would never completely recover from. I have done three of them and I will take them to my grave and by Gods grace, I accept the lightening of the burdens. What makes me happy is to fantasize that of the three, the debris field will be cleaned up and no one else will have my debris to carry to their grave.
5 Vietnam tested this question and I discovered I am no John Wayne. I believe If I am accepted for the person I am by those that love me, my death no matter the cause will provide a legacy for them. I am fond of the notion of “Emotional Legacy”. that is to say, the passing of our deeply rooted and cherished values on to the next generation. This is why I continue to teach. By the way, there are many forms death, some of them living.
6. I would meditate on these things in their order:
(1) Today you will be with me in paradise
(2) Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing
(3) I thirst
(4) My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
(5) It is finished
(6) Father, into your hands I commend my spirit
By the way, worked for Jesus! I would also look up the meaning of Paradise.
Larry,
Glad, so glad you didn’t give up on thinking today! Solomon and others probably wrote Proverbs, and your reference to the verse stating the lot is cast suggesting that though the lap-cradled pebbles being cast is a way to make decisions, nothing is by chance–God is behind it all–has and continues to be puzzling to me. Cain and Abel often switch places in the mirror image I see. My smart father never defined “the twinkling of an eye,” and so another lifelong puzzlement for me. Amen to your comments about the debris field we all share in one form or another. A life lived in quiet desperation may well be in the category of a “living death,” as you mention. Christ’s last words are worthy of our meditation. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with us.
Roger
A close friend read this post to her gravely ill friend, and I include excerpts: “…stark reminders of how life can change in the blink of an eye, and when I read your post to her she wept and said, “I should have addressed those questions earlier.”
True for all of us.
Recently when I am feeling inadequate, mostly in ways related to aging, I say to myself “I have a right to be who I am.” Now I have a new phrase. “Being imperfect and enough is ok.” I like it. Thank you.
Dona,
The combination of the two phrases sits well with my soul! “I have a right to be who I am, and being imperfect and enough is ok.” College students I work with, more than just a few, say in one way or another that they suffocate under the parental [loving parents] incessant “push” to achieve and be as perfect as they can be–“Can’t I be just who I am?” The students ask me. This is beyond age. Thank you for reading, commenting, and declaring the right to be who you are!
Roger
It’s a funny thing, but when I get sick and I am doing nothing because that is all you can do, I relax in a way I never do otherwise. No guilt, just deep relaxation. I hope this for you whilst you heal, to let yourself go and say awwwwwwww.
Jo Anne,
This is a prescription to be filled and placed next to the box of Kleenex on my nightstand. Thank you, Dr. Kurman!
Roger
Percolate is a good word. I love to let thoughts percolate.
My daughter and I have read every Inspector Gamache book.
A new one is coming in August
Kay,
Thanks for reading and commenting. Gamache, like all “great” fictional detectives, allows for his own percolating of ideas and theories as well as the sorting through of his feelings–often to the frustration of his peers. We’re in good company! I too look forward to the August release of his next case.
Roger
Your journey and quest are inspiring and inviting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, encouraging each of us to ask similar questions, seeking our own answers. Life is miraculous and mysterious, and this Lenten period
serves to open our hearts and minds to finding ourselves in this process. Your title for this piece speaks to me, reassuring
that being imperfect, being human, is good enough. We must accept ourselves, as we are, as God does, without question.
Wishing you a blessed, renewing Easter with forgiveness, compassion, hopefulness, and joy. xo
Colette,
Thank you for reading and commenting, and I wish you likewise this Holy Week. Because we struggle to accept ourselves as we are, and being okay and enough, it’s inconceivable that anyone else could do so. But, that’s what the Lenten and Easter narrative is about. I wish you well as you live fully into your renewal.
Roger