There is no pharmacy in my neighborhood that offers an inoculation against the ravages of inequity, injustice, and racism. No vaccine is available to remedy homelessness, economic hardship, loss of employment let alone the loss of life caused by a relentless virus. And the contagious pandemic of uncertainty that infects all of us continues to spike and surge. If I thought otherwise ever-present masks and taped reminders to social distance would awaken me to our new reality.
My reservoirs are tapped, taken for granted energy almost depleted, and my Job-like patience tested to limits I’d never imagined. Though I remind myself, daily, that we are resilient human beings my get-up-and-go resources are challenged. Days become weeks, and as I become accustomed to flat-screen relationships in my practice I miss the depth and nuance of face-to-face gathering.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow’s uncertainty are wearing me out.
Several days ago, I sought respite from my pandemic doldrums in the music of my favorite rock group, The Band. Their fourth album, Cahoots, had been languishing un-played for a year or more while other more popular CDs of theirs had been listened to. A Saturday morning trip to recycle and dispose of trash seemed the perfect time to turn up the Volvo’s speakers and fill the car’s interior with good old, down home rock ‘n roll. Songs like “Life is a Carnival,” “Where do We go from Here?,” “Smoke Signal,” and “Thinkin’ out Loud,” whose titles and lyrics have stirred my soul since first discovering the five member band in the late ‘60s now become siren calls for alarm.
After getting in line at the recycling site, I turned down the music then started talking to myself, reflecting on the Band’s tunes, “thinkin’ out loud” and wondering if people are sufficiently heeding the distressing “smoke signals” of COVID data and the pandemic guidelines. I posed the question to myself, “Where do we go from here,” because, right now, life is anything but a carnival.
My concerns and questions about life’s inequities and injustices, God’s presence or absence, and life’s purpose and meaning have been intensified. Life in 2020, the external events impacting all of us, have colluded with internal anxieties to create an ever-present state of apprehension. I believe it to be true for many of us; it is certainly true for me.
Engaging in even mindless Netflix shows offers only temporary distraction. My reading habits the same. But as I dig deeper to make sense of the chaos, I find respite and solace in the words of cohorts who’ve become “friends,” ones who open new and familiar pathways to me. They are the usual suspects I too often relegate to dust-covered shelves, but their hope-filled messages get a necessary dusting when my desperation becomes suffocating.
Toni Morrison’s words from her 1993 Nobel Lecture encourage me to write and journal my thoughts. “We die. That may be the meaning of our lives,” she said. “But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives.”
Sigmund Freud’s belief that we are sustained in life by gratifying relationships, and engagement in “work that helps us and others to have a better life” invites me to be grateful for friends and loved ones, and people who invite me into their lives in my psychotherapy practice.
The Franciscan Friar, William of Occam, thought that though multiple valid explanations may apply, it is most likely the simplest that’s correct. The cobwebs of over-thinking become dismantled when I affirm Occam’s razor.
Soren Kierkegaard instills hope in my vulnerable and fragile soul, bolstering my weakened faith when he writes that doubt yearns to believe.
And when I go to the familiar writings of the Psalmist, I find solace and good company in the prayers: “God, God, save me! I’m in over my head, quicksand under me, swamp water over me: I’m going down for the third time…and hoarse from calling for help, bleary-eyed from searching the sky for God…[but I also believe]…you have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from [and] you let me catch my breath…”
There may not be a pharmacy in my neighborhood, but that’s where my cohorts reside, and in cahoots with them I find sustenance and respite from all that afflicts us. Their words feed and nurture me.
Photo credit: Cahoots
by 
A friend wrote that he appreciated and agreed with my thoughts but said he wasn’t as Biblical as I was. I responded that he underestimated his caring and love for others–sound Biblical principles.
Several other readers responded: Your words express what I’ve been feeling and struggling to write–thank you for “clearing my cobwebs.”
Pandemic-life has both slowed and hastened the speed with which days pass for me–confusing and frustrating, fraught with sadness and anger. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone, and giving me renewed hope!
Anon
What a beautiful piece. Thank you for the depth of writing you are able to express and the courage to share it. I could feel your heart strings being stretched far and wide. It feels like a long while since you last posted and was so happy to see your email with what was sure to be another inspiring story and it surely was. Love your new blog cover art. Wishing you all good things for your book and hope to be reading some of your holiday writings before long. Vaya con dios, mi amigo.
Jo Anne,
Thank you for these kind words, for reading and taking the time to respond. There are many aspects of 2020 that I want to say “Vaya con dios” to, and do so with the faith that those aspects will depart for good. Not so for us–amigos who will be bent but not broken by 2020!
Roger
Love the new look on the blog!
This pandemic is certainly bringing major changes to all our lives … many people are suffering greatly during these times & most thinking people are wondering why these things are happening & when they will get better.
But, I have been increasingly struck by how similar these days are to the Days of Noah. Prophecy is becoming more & more relevant with every passing day, and the speed with which these events are happening is astounding.
It helps me to put currently events into a larger perspective – an eternal one that includes the supernatural.
Consider just two of these recent global events: the “Baal Tour” of 2016 and the recent peace talks in the Middle East.
There is definitely a cosmic battle happening before our very eyes!
Sue,
Yes, our lives have been altered and the suffering is great, and for those who were already suffering the added factors related to the pandemic make for overwhelming circumstances. In my finitude I take a knee before the supernatural and hope and trust that what lies beyond my comprehension will effect some peace and healing in the chaos. Thank you for reading and commenting–I will pay closer attention to the cosmic mysteries unfolding around us–thanks for reminding me.
Roger
I appreciate your lush language to describe how you have been feeling, and inviting us to share a little bit of commonality and a glimmer of hope in the midst of the madness we have all been experiencing. It is exhausting, even if one feels personally fortunate and grateful, when there is so much undeniable injustice and inequity. None of us can escape this truth and test of the mess in which we find ourselves. Thank you for helping to open our hearts and minds, and sharing some of those cohorts from your shelves and memory, who help you to find some solace. One of my friends reminds me that “this too shall pass,” and we will find ourselves on the other side, in a new and hopefully better reality soon. It’s good to be in cahoots with others who feel this pain, and pray for respite and relief. Ever onward, mon ami.
Colette,
Thank you for being part of this community of readers and commenters. It is healing to know that there are voices calling-out to each other in the messiness of chaos, to know we’re not alone. This too shall pass is accurate, but can it not occur sooner than later? Breathing and gratitude, both necessary to live fully into a healthy life, but the latter too often elusive when all seems to be crumbling around us. Thanks for being hopeful and sharing your thoughts.
Roger
R,
The updated web page looks great.
i am a news junkie and have heard lots of commentary on our pandemic crisis. I’ve read many editorials and essays on when and how this chaos may end. Understandably people are confused, afraid and just plan sick and tired of dealing with it. Me too.
Your blog post is the best I’ve read to date. It’s thoughtful and enlightening. You describe accurately the feelings that are common to all of us these days. BUT you kindly offer a litany of phrases from your revered authors that brought me to a space of calm.
Words like (and I’m paraphrasing) ‘Language enriches the meaning and measure of life,’ ‘do work that helps you have a better life,’ ‘simplicity is the secret to finding answers,’ ‘be grateful for friends and family’ and ‘there is hope in vulnerability and fragility.’ What a succinct and real message to pass on. This is a difficult passage for the world and It’s words like yours that empower and enrich my own little place on the planet. Thank you.
Mary,
Thank you for reading and commenting, encouraging all of us with your paraphrasing words. And, sharing your hope from that “little place on the planet,” yes, little for all of us in our respective spaces but with each small piece we become larger in our community of one. I feel less fragile knowing you and others are paddling with me, thank you!
Roger
Thanks for transparency of thoughts and feelings.
I recently had the opportunity for a face to face work session. All were energized and grateful. It is possible. Cautious and careful can produce creative connections. Am finding it important to be a good neighbor. Look out for the interests of others. You have stimulated thinking on self care and other care. If “ in it together” is more than a trite phrase, we can work together to frame creative actions in forming a new tomorrow.
I don’t have a clear answer to where is God. The Psalmist helps
In Psalm 9:9- “The Lord is refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” In loving our neighbor perhaps we can help with that.
Alan,
There have been other chaotic times when Jesus’ words to love God and your neighbor became calls for uniting but this time ranks with them. Thanks for reminding me, reading and offering these comments. Being cautious and careful in pursuit of creative connections–great counsel–and to add, doing so with unabashed faith in a healthy and “bettering” outcome for all!
Roger
The comment that you cited from Freud comes closest to reminding me of the way I have chosen: “Sigmund Freud’s belief that we are sustained in life by gratifying relationships, and engagement in ‘work that helps us and others to have a better life.’” So I need to seek out those relationships and develop them. They sustain me in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me. I need to focus more on a few relationships, and rely less on outward circumstances that I have no control over. And, of course, I must focus more clearly on “work that helps us and others to have a better life.” I am overwhelmed to the extent of paralysis by the world’s problems, and especially of the problems of my own country. But if I can help someone today I find my deepest fulfillment, especially if I can do it without fanfare or recognition.
Bill,
Freud would celebrate with a new cigar! It is exhausting to be engaged in the problems of the world, be overwhelmed yet still find the energy, patience and focus to make a difference. Remember the phrase “think globally and act locally.” Now with the world at our [literally] fingertips it is difficult to reign-in ourselves and not get caught up in the magnitude of the problems of the world and hone in to those of our neighborhoods where we can make a difference. You’re doing an excellent job of acting locally, and an inspiration for me, thank you.
Roger
Roger ’67,
It was good to hear from you once again. You definitely have a gift in communicating with well chosen words. This pandemic is indeed very strange, but is good to know that we can be in “cahoots” at a time like this. A thought I have is the tremendous “power of one” making a difference for many. It makes me want to do my part in ” making a difference” in my own sphere of influence. Keep the thought provoking articles coming!
Cy ’67
Cy,
Thanks for reading and commenting, reminding me of the “power of one” to effect the many, and how important it is to trust our own small sphere of influence to be the vehicle through which that power can be manifest.
Roger
A friend responded, snippets of which follow: “…thank you for giving us a window into your life…I too wish there was a way out of [this mess] for all of us, and I wonder if God is testing us [but I know better]?…as individuals, families, communities, a country and the world we can do better, but will we?…can we find strength and commitment in our individual and collective lives and faiths to create another enlightenment age for humanity? I do not feel hopeless or helpless–more restless for change–the evidence is in front of us if we are willing to see and act on it.”
I live one day at a time right now. And that’s the best I can do. Thank you for letting me know your struggles. It helps to know I’m not alone on this ship. Got to believe God is at the helm.
Carmen,
In my sense of paddling alone too often I imagine the vessel carrying me along to be a canoe with a fellow paddler but you mention a ship, a much better vessel because we are many. Thank you.
Roger