San Bernardino, CA
Patches of green can still be found emerging through the fallen leaves that cover the forest floor only yards from my Vermont home. I look out my office window to see a crow perched on a nearby tree limb. Snow will soon cover all that I can see. The natural world appears to be a peaceful one, but where there is quiet, a predator lurks, and where silence prevails, its prey remains cautious and alert.
A moment earlier, I was contemplating the horrific series of recent shootings, beginning with the ones in Paris in mid-November, then the ones directed at the Planned Parenthood Center in Colorado Springs, followed by the shooting rampage in San Bernardino. All in the span of about 3 weeks. I don’t know about you, but I have been experiencing difficulty processing the grief that comes from such events.
At times, my sadness and mourning for innocent victims is disturbed by my own violent eye-for-an-eye fantasies of vengeance that seep into my mind even as I grieve. And, when they don’t pass slowly through the veil between my conscious and unconscious worlds they explode upon me—in dreams, while reading, exercising, enjoying another’s company, sipping a beer, gazing into the flames of a fire—and do so without warning.
I awaken at three o’clock, sit up and experience a brief moment of dream-induced vertigo, or at other times I blink, look away from the cozy fire, breathe deeply and resume the conversation I’m part of, and then take another sip of beer. The vertigo passes, but the images of the slain and injured do not, nor do the violent dreams that tear me out of my sleep. Thanksgiving weekend has passed, and as thankful and filled with gratitude as I am, a part of me harbors ill will toward those who commit heinous crimes.
If, as Freud believed, eliminating self-deception (not to be confused with self-examination) will give meaning to life, then I must venture into that dark place in my soul, the abyss in which I become the enemy, capable of horrific acts. However, often enough I find deception appealing, and denial a sought after state. But, good and evil, they are my thoughts, connected to my soul, and I must own them.
When current events, tragic ones in particular, provide access to those aspects of my inner world that I would prefer to avoid, I must find the courage to cross the threshold into the darkness. For me, to be fully human necessitates that journey regardless of how disturbing and unsettling it is. As President James A. Garfield once stated, “The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”
Jesus, we’re told, turned the other cheek, and asked his followers to love their enemies. Gandhi and King preached non-violence and the pursuit of truth as the means to liberate the disenfranchised. Though their struggles differed vastly from mine, I suspect their internal journey was similar acknowledging yet keeping our demons at bay while living fully into what it means to be human—two aspects of my own humanness for which I express gratitude and thanks. I admire them for keeping their inner impulses, and I assume they had them, in check. Against great injustice, the desire to lash out is very tempting, and yet these three great men were able to manage not only their own frustrations, but keep others from lashing out as well.
I feel relaxed as I look out my office window into the peaceful forest where preparations for winter are under way. Violence and calm, savagery and order co-exist in our world just as they do in the forest beyond my window. It is my hope, however, that the recent violence, which has marred my sleep and waking states, will be resolved through peaceful methods rather than further violence. Wishful thinking perhaps, but faith in humankind’s goodness keeps that hope alive.
by 
A a beautiful Christmas message: “faith in humankind’s goodness keeps hope alive.” Your descriptive words made me feel the frosty blustery cold outside your window and the warmth coming from your cozy fire. Thank you.
Jo Anne,
I’m glad you found Christmas in these words, and keep hope alive as we move into Advent and the new year.
Roger
You’re welcome Jo Anne,
and thank you for finding Christmas in these words.
Roger
Roger,
I woke up one night wishing I were a very talented sniper/assassin and could mete out justice to very cruel leaders in IRAN but I am not that person and never will be. So it will take some work to think actively about nonviolence. Thanks, always for your thoughts, Roy
Roy,
If I questioned being alone I don’t now–thanks for letting me know I’m in good company!
Roger
Yes, a beautiful Christmas message. While contemplating my own vengeful fantasies is uncomfortable, stepping away from self-deception centers me and gives some space to choose a different response. I am not always good at it, but I try. I also am grieving over these violent acts, and pray for the healing of all involved.
Thank you for commenting, Dr. Lou. I’m with you on all accounts. When I try, but fall short, I find some solace in the adage that being on “the journey,” trying, is a powerful step–albeit a tough one.
Roger
I was at a meeting 90 minutes from the horror.
Had similar thoughts of retribution.
In our meeting we stopped and prayed for wisdom, understanding, of course peace, as well as how can we influence our corner of the world.
We live in difficult and confusing times. My question is ” what can I do to make some modicum of difference”?
Life circumstances call for resilience. There is a need for hope to overcome despair and deep seated joy to cut through the clutter.
I was “too close” at 3,000 miles away, but ninety minutes–wow. I agree with you about resilience, hope, and joy. I remember the slogan, “think globally, act locally,” and when I do I don’t feel so helpless.
Thanks, Alan,
Roger
Thank you for sharing you thoughts and feelings about these terrible tragedies,
which exposed all of us to horrific acts, human against human. With your reflections into the depths of your own soul, acknowledging and accepting both the darkness and the light, the undeniable requisite yin and yang of all life is palpable and vital. I appreciate your raising the value of gratitude and spirituality in this season of hope for peace on earth. Write on, mon ami.
Thank you for your comments, Colette. You are spot-on when writing that you experience the value of gratitude and spirituality in this, and I add any season. Sometimes being thankful eludes us in the turmoil of life events–that’s where my faith, fragile at times, reaches out beyond my finiteness.
Roger
I have experienced profound sadness every day since this tragedy. I worry for my children, my grandchildren, my family and my friends. There seems to be no pat solution to eradicate the degree of hate that is smoldering in the world. Your words are a comfort.
Time to get off our cellphones and reconnect with the people who share our planet. Person to person.
Hi Mary, and thank you for commenting and joining the conversation. Vengeful acts of retribution, however strongly we believe it is warranted and right to do, seem to me to be the “pat” solution that propagates further violence. Sound solutions are difficult to come by. Your concern for loved ones is warranted, and expressed desire to connect in face-to-face ways has great merit–nothing pat about that.
Roger
If, as Freud believed, eliminating self-deception (not to be confused with self-examination) will give meaning to life, then I must venture into that dark place in my soul, the abyss in which I become the enemy, capable of horrific acts. However, often enough I find deception appealing, and denial a sought after state. But, good and evil, they are my thoughts, connected to my soul, and I must own them.(R M). These comments resound with me as I feel hostility toward the unseen enemy. Confusion follows as I seek to understand that many of the followers of the “targeted religion” do not know or adhere to some of its written principles, a commonality they share with adherents of many religions. As I write this though I do not want to hate, I feel a gutteral spirit of enragement that causes me to want to defend my own by killing others if need be. I think this is something that mothers deal with whenever they perceive a threat to their children. God help the person who messes with me or mine.
Kay,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. There is something primal about protecting loved ones. The times when I think I am most “right” are often the times when I need to dig deeper. May God, in whatever form He/She decides to appear, help us all.
Roger
Dear Roger, I have been wanting to respond to your last post, but I have been dealing with a personal assault of sorts, and I think this is a proper response to your last post.
Recently my eldest son has decided that our family is the enemy to his and that he must protect them by cutting off involvement with the rest of us.
I recieved a most hateful email from him some weeks ago accusing me of gossip, lack of acceptance of his wife, and never being there for him. It felt like I had been shot with a barrage of arrows for which I could not defend myself. He refused to meet with me. This is a man who recently recieved a medal of Valor from the LAFD
but did not have the courage to face his mother.
The second arrow came when he let us know we were not welcome to the event in which he was to recieve his award. There are two children involved whom I dearly love. This is a painful part. Yesterday we tried to call our grandson to chat only to find that all our numbers had been blocked.
I cannot help but think that it is this kind of insane thinking that causes violence, in different degrees, but hurtful and harmful just the same. My theme has always been, “How can we expect peace in this world, if we can not even have it in our family?”
The prayer of St. Francis says, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”
I share those night time thoughts of revenge, my words to him spitting through my mind, but I know they would fall on deaf ears. He has drunk the cool aid his wife has made. The spitting volcano of 20 some years has finally erupted in her paranoid feelings of being unloved by us.
Luckily you have helped me know my truth and I am forever grateful to you. We can only do as St. Francis suggests and touch into the peace of our own being.
Carmen,
St. Francis writes words that touch me in times of turmoil, but having peace start with me is too frequently abandoned when I am wounded by another. I am saddened to read of your son’s decision to isolate himself and his family from you. I hope that in this time of confusion and turmoil your pain can be muted, and that you will find some hope that reconciliation may occur.
Roger
Dear Carmen,
I have 2 sons and can think of no pain greater than being cut off from them. I will pray for you and your family…for reconciliation. Perhaps you could write him a letter and send it to his workplace. I’m saddened for you, but hopeful that soon he will understand how much you love him and his family! Peace be with you.
Websites and posts serve many purposes, but none as important as people sharing thoughts, well-wishes, and feelings with each other. Thank you, Herta, and Carmen, you are not alone.
Roger
A friend from California wrote: “I have been reading several novels about the cold war and see some awful parallels between Stalin’s purges and ISIL or ISIS. Control by fear is a truly terrible thing and I do not see the west understanding how to respond in constructive ways. Until Muslims themselves rise up against the tyranny of the fundamentalists, I do not think we will be effective. My heart just breaks for all the victims and their families.”
Yes, that is a problem. It’s always the people who are affected who need to rise up, but they also need our support. So how to do that? Likewise, we have huge problems here related to stemming the tide of mass murders, and I don’t feel we as a people are doing enough to demand gun control, etc. And that includes me. Wishing for a peaceful world!!