The finishing thoughts were being “thunk,” and sentences written for the first draft of a forthcoming blog post when I became distracted by a couple of well-worn books to my left— the daily readings of two of my favorite authors. Their words hijacked my best efforts to stay focused on the blog post, and I pass them on to you.
Henri Nouwen writes in Bread for the Journey:
We all have dreams about the perfect life: a life without pain, sadness, conflict, or war. The spiritual [psychological] challenge is to experience glimpses of this perfect life right in the middle of our many struggles.
In the small waiting area adjoining my home office an open adult coloring book gets my daily attention during Lent. I pick from among the dozens of coloring pens randomly placed in jars on the windowsill—neon-colored ones, some with glitter, and traditional colors—waiting to be chosen by my unpredictable artistic muse. I dream of perfection, coloring within the lines, and struggle to let go of that “craziness” and replace those thoughts with acceptance of my flawed artist’s strokes. It’s a battle, but I keep coloring, cross over the lines, breathing, smiling and find spiritual respite in spite of the inner demand to create a masterpiece. It helps, on occasion, to stand up and dance, a daily practice the UPS driver witnessed one day when I was between appointments and doing a flawed, silly version of the lindy hop around the island in the kitchen. I’ve been more discreet since—well, not really—the silliness is infectious.
Listening to Your Life: Daily Meditations with Frederick Buechner provides my soul with moments of liberating joy and hope as he did on this day when my meandering mind drifted to the dog-eared copy on my desk. He writes about observing “the forty days of Lent,” and suggests that during this time “Christians are supposed to ask one way or another what it means to be themselves.”
He poses six questions, the first of which is: “If you had to bet everything you have on whether there is a God or whether there isn’t, which side would get your money and why?” This one more than made me think, it tugged mightily at my reluctant disciple’s soul. The inquiries, Is there a God? and What it means to be me? are not unfamiliar, but rather pieces in the puzzle I wrestle with—What is the meaning of life, and why am I here?
The fact that I’m not a betting man gave me an immediate out, a short-lived one however, because as I color and dance, read and write, and converse with both the God who exists and the one whose existence I doubt, the Lenten question pierces my soul and demands a response. I weigh in on Freud’s contention that belief in God, the ultimate loving father, is our human desire to make sense out of the chaos in the world, the pain, sadness, conflict, and injustices we inflict on others and ourselves. The existence of a supreme being, a child-like wishful fantasy, makes sense out of the awfulness of the chaos.
Neither Nouwen nor Buechner suggest anything other than, simply, God is. Once I get beyond the intellectual rationalizing, strip myself naked of all the acquisitions, props and adornments I use to define who I am and what life means—“to bet everything”—I’m going with “there is a God.”
by 
I think you put your money down on that bet a long time ago. You just express buyer’s remorse periodically.
Yes, Ted, I did. It was either that or a condo in Mammoth Lakes, California–good choice!
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Roger
Now I think working/editing books on Ignatian spiritual exercises is proving more profitable than I ever would have imagined. When Fr Gallagher’s newest book, Setting Captives Free, comes out I will send a copy. Quite a shift for me and rather interesting reading for us non-Ignatian types. Onward, Roy
Roy,
Keep shifting and being interesting! Where we be without Gutenberg? He set us free!
Thanks for reading, shifting, and staying interesting,
Roger
Great distractions for you (and many) from two writers who may be evidence of the existence of “God”.
My distractions (focus?) tends to be on making the correct bet at Santa Anita but also recognizing the abundant evidence of the Creator there.
Rich,
Didn’t Jesus lay down 20K on Paul’s donkey to place in the third race at Santa Anita? I saw it on TV so it had to be true!
Thanks for reading, betting, and commenting,
Roger
Whatever the season, lent or whenever, we seem to exist in the simple truths of a life filled with the yin and yang of our flawed humanity ever longing for divine perfection. I keep feeling and thinking it best to accept what is and what is not, to marvel at the wonders, be grateful for our blessings, and to pray for help when the chaos overwhelm us. So often your shared thoughts remind me of Anne Lamott’s three essential prayers: help, thanks, and wow! The promise of spring is in the air with these unseasonably warm temps for February, bringing hope for new opportunities and growth. The birds are inviting us to sing and dance, no matter who catches us in those acts of joyful living. Write and dance on!
Colette,
There’s “joyful living” in the woods outside my office window–squirrels and crows squeaking and cawing while dancing, anticipating warmer days. We’re in good company!
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Roger
Roger, The God within me lives on, though a little touch and go at times, but still living! For that I am extremely grateful this season of Lent. Dance on! Dona
Dona,
Thank you for reading and commenting on the touch ‘n go aspect of experiencing “God within,” something many of us share with you. And I agree with your statement that you are “extremely grateful [for that] this season of Lent. Too often gratitude is lost in Lenten practice while emphasis is placed on sacrifice. Fasting and self-denial have their place but gratitude is a wonderful daily practice that is healing and calming regardless of one’s spiritual orientation and religious beliefs.
Roger
A friend in South America wrote: “Your latest post really touched me. I have often wrestled with the same question. The Pope visited Chile in January and he pent a day in Iquique. He is such a good, sincere and kind man with a simple message about love and caring that he gave my faith a shot in the arm. He wove together the meaning of life and why we are here for me in his faith and confidence in God. I was surprised by my reaction to the experience; it was memorable and I feel more at peace.”
Thank you, my friend.
Roger
Regarding What it means to be myself,this lent has proven to me that I can be a loving self but only with my faith that there is a loving God. Caring for my husband through a most difficult time and feeling I would lose the person I have known and loved for 52 years was heart breaking. I had a band of angels praying and I have tremendous belief in the power of prayer. This tired fearful person that I am was able to care for and with the help of others bring him back to himself.
Without a belief that God was empowering me, I don’t think I could have done it. As John says:” God is love and he who abides in God abides in love.” God is the source of my love.
Carmen,
This partnership, an empowering one, is one I sometimes sense in moments of fragility, when I’m vulnerable and in doubt. Thank you for sharing this.
Roger
P.S. And cheers for a 53rd year!